Writer's Block

I should really be writing a paper right now. To be shamelessly honest I could actually choose any one of three to be working on and not go wrong. I just have a very selective case of writer's block...one that applies to anything and everything scholastic. The unfortunate thing about this very bad case of writer's block is that I've had it for a little over a week now, so now all of the things that I was going to be ahead on are just on schedule instead. Blast. Based on my somewhat apathetic attempts to work around said writer's block, I've realized that I experience this malady in varied phases. I thought I'd throw a few out there in case anybody ever experienced similar feelings and wanted something to resonate with. They are as follows:
1. The Jet Lag Phase:
This is the phase where, due to semester induced jet-lag; the writer cannot remember how to write. In my case, this presented in the hours before an appointment with the history writing center and was particularly awful, as I knew exactly what I wanted to communicate, but couldn't remember how to make a paragraph. The horror of this realization was capped by the moment of clarity wherein I saw the awful truth- I couldn't remember how to construct a sentence either. I did manage to salvage the idea that I needed a capital letter at the beginning, but couldn't seem to choose a good one to start my paper with. The jet-lag phase may linger throughout any and all of the following phases, and may actually aggravate some of them just the tiniest bit. This became evident for me when in the next phase (commiseration) I couldn't get a phrase out of my mouth without horribly mangling it somehow.

2. Commiseration:
This is where you complain to your friends about your writer's block. In my case, the audience of my complaints contributed directly to the next phase- Brainstorming.

3. Brainstorming/spit balling/ what-have-you:
During this phase, you face the reality that regardless of your inability to write reasonable arguments, somebody who has control over your grade wants anywhere from 4 to 12 pages of logical discourse. So you do the most logic thing there is do to- you grasp at straws. As I hinted before, the audience that I chose to complain to was the helpful sort, and (as a moderately sized, under-caffeinated group) we began to attack my writer's block with a brainstorm. The end result was a beautiful list of words that rhyme with the word "pope." Literally.We did momentarily toy with idea of making the list into a song that I could turn in as a replacement for the paper, but when "song" turned into "rap," I knew the chances of my professor overlooking my lack of paper in favor of our charming list had sunk below impossible...which is unfortunate...it was a good list.

4. The Runaway/Gold Digger Phase:
This ugly phase has the nerve to show it's face on occasion...generally when I'm in absolute despair over generating an assignment worthy of keeping my GPA at an acceptable level. It is in this phase that some of my most fantastic schemes are schemed- I'd list a few but they're generally far too detailed to be a sub-point in a list such as this one. These plans typically have to do with moving away, adventuring in some out of the way, rocky, dusty spot, starting a florist business, or most recently- a momentary ( literally 15 second) lapse into thinking that maybe I should just ditch the paper, school, and goals to become a gold digger...which might work if it didn't go against pretty much everything I believe about how people should be treated. It also conflicts with my dislike of money and deep fear of essentially being incarcerated in a giant house, surrounded by expensive furniture and a tiny blinged-out dog. My skin crawls even thinking about it. Mostly due to the tiny dog, but the overall opulence is off-putting as well.

5. Actually giving up:
Not a viable option, and therefore not worthy of discussion here.

6. Staring at the computer screen, (or frequently in my case, scrap of paper,) hoping that inspiration will strike:
Self- explanatory.

7. Avoidance:
This beloved phase is when the blocked writer can actually legitimize not writing...for a while. It can be done through "prioritizing" other activities, conveniently missing crucial materials and resources (web documents and archives are making this increasingly more and more difficult,) or just outright "working" on something else...like a blog about why they can't write their research paper just now.

8. Changing Direction Mid-stream
This comes at the point when you are sitting on the living room floor, surrounded by scraps of paper and books written on your topic, and realize that you have absolutely nothing to say about the very thing that you have been reading on for weeks. You start thinking about things that your classmates are writing on, and how nice it would be if only you had something so fantastic to write about. You may actually reach the point where you send a desperate email, or accost your professor after class, pleading for the chance to change topics...or majors. I would not recommend succumbing to this one. Just come to terms with the fact that there is nothing new under the sun, you are not writing a dissertation (unless you are...in which case your problem is bigger than writer's block,) and the task you were assigned was to write a paper- not be the most brilliant student ever to study anything ever.

9. The Void
This demeaning phase is characterized by "nothingness." It usually takes the writer hostage during periods of acute exhaustion and is the period of time that one spends sitting, staring into space, thinking and doing nothing constructive. Or deconstructive. I just experienced this phase about 30 seconds ago.

10. The Unsmart Stage
This phase is easiest to work with, as one can still write. Unfortunately, it is also the phase where one cannot lay hands on a word longer than three letters. It is in this phase that I'm sure "Run, Spot! Run!" was written. Another manifestation is wordiness...which I'm most prone to. I've actually been doing it for most of this blog. This is more difficult for the untrained eye to identify, as the sufferer's vocabulary actually expands. In doing so, the writer sometimes causes the English language itself  to expand... I'm pretty sure that both Lewis Carrol and William Shakespeare suffered from this stage of writer's block. Other hallmarks are run-on sentences (see the rest of this blog or other samples of my writing for an example) and an inability to say anything concisely.

I could continue this list, but in doing so I'd be allowing Phase 7 too much of a foothold. Consequently, I'll end immediately (and somewhat abruptly) so as not to further the problem.
The End.